My hubby was looking at me funny tonight. You know that look they give you when they are thinking something serious?
When I asked him why he was looking at me so strangely he said “I just can’t believe how lucky I am to have you and this life”. Do you know what I did? I rolled my eyes and made a gagging noise.
I didn’t tell him that I feel just as blessed (when you read this, because I know you will, I feel so incredibly lucky to have this life we have). I didn’t tell him how much I appreciate that he can express himself so easily unlike a lot of men – because that’s a pretty impressive quality for a guy!
I shrugged it off and made a joke of it. Why?
Because I don’t feel deserving of that much love and adoration. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I hate that. It’s that whole ‘make a joke as a defense mechanism’ deal.
When I was a teenager I would have killed for him to be so loving towards me. Teenage me lusted after attention from him. I thrived off it. It made me feel like I was the most important thing in his life. What changed?
I suppose it could be the postnatal depression. Actually I hope it is, because I’d rather that than it be because I’m a soulless closed off mess.
One day I’ll get caught looking at him funny. You know that look you give when you’re thinking something serious?
And I’ll tell him I love him and our life together.
Because I seriously do.
Today’s little wins:
Mumma: Finally went and had my eyes checked today! That’s a win because I’m looking after myself. Glasses full time now. Hopefully I can pull off the smart look.
Biggest-Little: Used beautiful manners today when he was apologising for pushing his brother. Hey, a wins a win, you know?
Middle-Little: Threw a football down in a goal-scoring manner and yelled “Booyah”! No idea where that came from but it caused multiple adults and his big brother to fall into fits of laughter.
Smallest-Little: Flashed his beautiful big blues at me and giggled. Oh, that sweet sound made my heart flutter.