I am a big girl.
I have pretty much always been a big girl, but I will not always be a big girl.
I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), some pretty unfortunate genes and a condition called ‘Lazy-emotional-eateritis’ (it’s a thing). The combination of those three things kind of suck.
A lot of people out there say things like ‘You can’t be beautiful and big’ or ‘You are fat you should be ashamed’.
Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
I know a lot of bigger girls who are stunning – fat don’t crack remember. I know a lot of big girls who are confident. There is nothing wrong with this. In fact I think it’s amazing! Every woman deserves to feel beautiful and confident.
As a larger lady I see a lot of discrimination towards my fellow plus sized people. Sometimes it’s from a place of concern, sometimes disgust. Majority of the time they simply don’t understand.
They don’t understand that it’s just so ridiculously easy to eat away your emotions. They don’t understand how genes really can sway it. They don’t understand that sometimes we look in the mirror with such disgust and self loathing that we want to eat because that’s what we’re used to, it’s comforting. On the same token they don’t understand how we could look in the mirror at our big bad selves and think ‘Damn, I look good today’. They don’t understand that medical conditions really can cause weight gain no matter how much you watch what you eat and how often you go to the gym. They don’t understand that you can get to a point that you really just don’t care anymore so you don’t bother trying to change it.
It’s ok that people don’t understand. They don’t have to. They just need to be respectful. They need to respect that everyone is on their own journey. You’re not doing us any favours pointing out that we have cankles, or a bunch of chins, or ass dimples for days. We know. We really, really know. All you’re doing is making us want to sob, or stay at home forever where no one can see us, or shove our faces into a piece of cake to feel better (that’s not logical, we know).
We appreciate that you care but it’s not something that you can change for us. It’s similar to quitting smoking – we have to do it in our own time, when we are truly ready. It’s horrible, but there it is.
I decided it’s my time. It’s my time to turn my life around because I am not healthy and I’m not okay with living this way anymore. Seven weeks ago I underwent a Sleeve Gasterectomy. A lot of people didn’t agree with it. A lot of people consider it the easy way out. And as with being overweight a lot of people just didn’t understand.
That’s ok because I didn’t do it for them. I did it for me and I did it for my family. It’s not easy. It’s damn hard. The pre-op diet is hard, the surgery and recovery is hard, the rest of my life will be hard because I will have to work with the sleeve to get myself healthy. It’s a tool, not a miracle fix. I’m open about it, I’m always happy to talk honestly about it. The more people that understand the better.
We don’t need to be this way. We don’t need to live our lives judging harshly and discriminating. You wouldn’t know by looking at me what I’ve been through to change my life. We don’t know what is happening behind closed doors.
I know it’s unrealistic to expect no judgement, it is human to judge. But I just wish we could also try some understanding, some patience and some love.
A cruel comment can be like an extra hand holding someone under water, seconds from drowning. But a compliment?
Well that may just save someone’s life.