Lost & found

Lost & found

Do you ever find yourself sitting in a car park Kim K crying? I am, right now.

Sometimes life is just too much. There is too much washing to get through, there is too much yelling, there are too many hurtful words being thrown around, there is too much ‘no mum’.

Sometimes there is too little. Too little money, too little food in the cupboards, too little support, too little motivation, too little ‘me’ time, too little ‘us’ time.

I can’t seem to find the balance. I’d be crap in a circus. I might pass as one of those sad clowns, but slap a leotard on me and stick me on a tightrope and you’d  better hope you’ve got a hell of an insurance policy because I wouldn’t last a second.

As a mother of three under three I constantly feel like I’m falling from a ridiculous height. I often feel like I am failing everyone, including myself and I don’t know how to get it together.

I run on very little sleep. Sometimes it’s because the 9 month old wakes up multiple times a night. Sometimes it’s because the 2 and 3 year olds decide at 2am that there must be something good on the telly (Russian news is educational, right). Sometimes it’s because I go to bed after a new day has ticked over so that I can cling for dear life onto that tiny block of adult time, where I can sprawl on the couch and binge watch Offspring. 

I have postnatal depression and major anxiety diaorder, and whilst I’m the first to say “you wouldn’t tell a diabetic to stop taking their insulin just because they were feeling good” I’m terrible at taking my meds. In fact I don’t even have my script filled at the moment. It’s in the too hard basket…which isn’t what I’d say if I was on them…irony.

I can’t even have a good old greasy food binge because I’ve had gastric sleeve surgery and trust me, it’s not worth the amount of time I’d spend on the loo getting payback for eating too much pizza.

I try so hard to support the people around me. I really genuinely do. I try to be available for them, I try to listen when they need to talk, I try to drop everything asap and get to them when they need someone, I use all my tiny silver coins, the last of my money, to get them something that will bring them a little bit of comfort, but I never seem to do enough.

I’m a walking billboard for what not to be. ‘Hey look at me, see what I do? Do the opposite!’

But I have my boys. I have a husband who- let’s face it, often does more than me. I shouldn’t complain.

I really shouldn’t. Except…

…I am. Sometimes, my life is really freakin hard and sometimes I end up in a car park ugly crying while the guy parked next to me throws me an occasional horrified glance.

Sometimes I need to yell, and scream, and pound my fists against the steering wheel for a while until I feel better. Sometimes I just need to let out all the frustration and hurt and stress.

Sometimes losing it, helps me find myself.

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