I’m sorry I’m feeling depressed today. I know it’s hard for you to come home from work and understand why. I don’t mean to expose it so much because I know you don’t understand.
I’m sorry I yell when you ask what’s wrong. I don’t know how to word what I feel sometimes. It’s not as black and white as you’d like it to be. It’s grey. It’s so grey.
I’m sorry you came home to a messy house and a wife and child in pyjamas. I didn’t eat today because I couldn’t be bothered moving off the couch unless it was for our baby.
I’m sorry you had to get up for work at 5, knowing we wouldn’t wake up until 9. I know it doesn’t seem fair that we get to hang out all day while you work.
I’m sorry I don’t feel like cooking, and that we’re having takeaway. Again. Standing in the kitchen with a toddler at my feet sounds so terrible to me today.
I’m sorry I haven’t done the washing for a few days. I forget that you need clothes because I practically live in pyjamas.
I’m sorry that when you come home from work I nag you. Sometimes changing another nappy and being kicked in the stomach (again) will be enough to break me.
I’m sorry that sometimes I just break down and cry because I’ve had enough. I know I should be so grateful for all the things above.
I wish I didn’t have to say sorry to you. I know I shouldn’t say sorry to you, but I am.
Depression is hard when you just don’t understand it. It’s so hard to communicate my feelings when I actually don’t understand them myself. Sometimes I really don’t know why I’m sad or angry, I just am. I think that’s the hardest thing for you to understand. That sometimes depression means that there’s no meaning behind an emotion. The emotion is just there.
Trust me, I’d love for it to not be there at times. I know you think I overreact, but it’s what my brain tells me to do. I know I push you away, and I say hurtful things to you that I honestly don’t mean or feel, I don’t mean to. All the negative things I feel, and say and do aren’t what I truly feel deep down.
What is real is the happiness I feel when we are together. The warm and fuzzy. The love. When we play Mario Kart together, or go on spontaneous bowling trips. The late-night cuddles with you, or the early morning cuddles with our baby. Making pancakes on a Sunday. The way we act like teenagers again, all hyped on each other’s love. The childfree dates. The couch hangs. The Netflix and Chill. All of those are true feelings. That side of me is the real me. That’s what you love, and I know that you love me so much.
That’s why I’m sorry for the bad days. Days that are all about me and my head, that impact your days too. I wish I wasn’t trapped in my head. I wish you could understand how each day is different for me. I so badly wish I could be different for you.
Maybe one day.
Until then, I’m sorry.
Written by Mykayla Atwell for The Joys of 3 Boys.
If you or a loved one is in need of some help, I urge you to speak up! There is no shame in it. Let’s band together and end the negative stigma surrounding mental health.
You can check out PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia), their helpline is 1300 726 306.
Beyond Blue has a great page with places to get help. Check it out here: Beyond Blue
Or if you just want someone to chat to you can click here, fill out the form, and it will shoot me an e-mail. I’m always up for a chin-wag x