Through My Eyes – Jess B.

Through My Eyes – Jess B.

What mental health concerns have you come up against? Are they yours or a family members?

I have lived with depression since I was about 13 and anxiety since childhood. I have also experienced PND after the birth of my first child.

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Through My Eyes – Sharon

Through My Eyes – Sharon

Donning my perpetual fury

Preparing for an empty day

My son the only jury

Not even he is able to sway

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Through My Eyes – Jess

Through My Eyes – Jess

 

“Because she is my mum, and I love her”

My story is not like everyone else’s. I know total cliché line to open with. It is something, that I have learnt to accept and I am very open with. To tell my story I need to also tell my mums.
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Pity Party Post

Pity Party Post

I completely bombed my essay.

You know, I knew I would. It wasn’t good. It’s my first one and I just didn’t ‘get it’. I also have a thousand and one excuses about why I failed, some valid, some a bit of a stretch, but it doesn’t matter. Bottom line is, I did fail.

But it’s totally okay because it was the submission of the fist draft so I get another shot at sucking! Yaaaay #sarcasm.

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We’re under attack!

We’re under attack!

Today I was abused by another mother.

I’ve heard about this happening, but I’ve never been involved like this.

My middle son (2) hurt her daughter. I saw it happen, spoke to him about it, and then he and I both apologised to her daughter and her for what had happened. All was good. I felt good about how I’d dealt with it.

Then without warning she was in my face.

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No beauty, just beast

No beauty, just beast

There is a huge pit in in my stomach where a beast is sitting inside of me, gnawing everything in sight and not caring about any damage it does.

It must have long tentacles because it has taken ahold of my brain and whisked it up like it is considering scrambled brains for lunch. I don’t even care. I forfeit, he can have them.

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How to save a life

How to save a life

I am a big girl.

I have pretty much always been a big girl, but I will not always be a big girl.

I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome  (PCOS), some pretty unfortunate genes and a condition called ‘Lazy-emotional-eateritis’ (it’s a thing). The combination of those three things kind of suck. 

A lot of people out there say things like ‘You can’t be beautiful and big’ or ‘You are fat you should be ashamed’.

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I know a lot of bigger girls who are stunning – fat don’t crack remember. I know a lot of big girls who are confident. There is nothing wrong with this. In fact I think it’s amazing! Every woman deserves to feel beautiful and confident.

As a larger lady I see a lot of discrimination towards my fellow plus sized people. Sometimes it’s from a place of concern, sometimes disgust. Majority of the time they simply don’t understand.

They don’t understand that it’s just so ridiculously easy to eat away your emotions. They don’t understand how genes really can sway it. They don’t understand that sometimes we look in the mirror with such disgust and self loathing that we want to eat because that’s what we’re used to, it’s comforting. On the same token they don’t understand how we could look in the mirror at our big bad selves and think ‘Damn, I look good today’.  They don’t understand that medical conditions really can cause weight gain no matter how much you watch what you eat and how often you go to the gym. They don’t understand that you can get to a point that you really just don’t care anymore so you don’t bother trying to change it.

It’s ok that people don’t understand. They don’t have to. They just need to be respectful. They need to respect that everyone is on their own journey. You’re not doing us any favours pointing out that we have cankles, or a bunch of chins, or ass dimples for days. We know. We really, really know. All you’re doing is making us want to sob, or stay at home forever where no one can see us, or shove our faces into a piece of cake to feel better (that’s not logical, we know).

We appreciate that you care but it’s not something that you can change for us. It’s similar to quitting smoking – we have to do it in our own time, when we are truly ready. It’s horrible, but there it is.

I decided it’s my time. It’s my time to turn my life around because I am not healthy and I’m not okay with living this way anymore. Seven weeks ago I underwent a Sleeve Gasterectomy.  A lot of people didn’t agree with it. A lot of people consider it the easy way out. And as with being overweight a lot of people just didn’t understand.

That’s ok because I didn’t do it for them. I did it for me and I did it for my family. It’s not easy. It’s damn hard. The pre-op diet is hard, the surgery and recovery is hard, the rest of my life will be hard because I will have to work with the sleeve to get myself healthy. It’s a tool, not a miracle fix. I’m open about it, I’m always happy to talk honestly about it. The more people that understand the better.

We don’t need to be this way. We don’t need to live our lives judging harshly and discriminating. You wouldn’t know by looking at me what I’ve been through to change my life. We don’t know what is happening behind closed doors.

I know it’s unrealistic to expect no judgement, it is human to judge. But I just wish we could also try some understanding, some patience and some love.

A cruel comment can be like an extra hand holding someone under water, seconds from drowning. But a compliment?

Well that may just save someone’s life.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/left-human-hand-drowned-in-water-70158/