Through My Eyes – Mykayla

Through My Eyes – Mykayla

Dear Husband,

I’m sorry I’m feeling depressed today. I know it’s hard for you to come home from work and understand why. I don’t mean to expose it so much because I know you don’t understand.

I’m sorry I yell when you ask what’s wrong. I don’t know how to word what I feel sometimes. It’s not as black and white as you’d like it to be. It’s grey. It’s so grey. Read more

Through My Eyes – Jess B.

Through My Eyes – Jess B.

What mental health concerns have you come up against? Are they yours or a family members?

I have lived with depression since I was about 13 and anxiety since childhood. I have also experienced PND after the birth of my first child.

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Through My Eyes – Sharon

Through My Eyes – Sharon

Donning my perpetual fury

Preparing for an empty day

My son the only jury

Not even he is able to sway

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Through My Eyes – Jess

Through My Eyes – Jess

 

“Because she is my mum, and I love her”

My story is not like everyone else’s. I know total cliché line to open with. It is something, that I have learnt to accept and I am very open with. To tell my story I need to also tell my mums.
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It’s on like Donkey Kong

It’s on like Donkey Kong

Wow, well that was unexpected.

When I hit upload on my blog post ‘We’re under attack‘ the other day I had no idea what it would turn into! It seemed that the reply threads consisted of twenty-odd positive, supportive comments and then one that suggested my children were monsters. Twenty more ‘I feel you!’ comments, and one accusing me of shrugging my children playing up as ‘boys will be boys’ (I have never, and I will never). Another twenty comments sending love, and one telling me that my children targeted the little girl and had planned an attack on her – puh-lease.


I just refuse to believe that children are nasty little schemers with a plan for world domination and pulling peoples hair. Perhaps I’m naive. Either way, I know my children, and they definitely don’t have a bunker full of targets photos and playground blueprints.

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We’re under attack!

We’re under attack!

Today I was abused by another mother.

I’ve heard about this happening, but I’ve never been involved like this.

My middle son (2) hurt her daughter. I saw it happen, spoke to him about it, and then he and I both apologised to her daughter and her for what had happened. All was good. I felt good about how I’d dealt with it.

Then without warning she was in my face.

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No beauty, just beast

No beauty, just beast

There is a huge pit in in my stomach where a beast is sitting inside of me, gnawing everything in sight and not caring about any damage it does.

It must have long tentacles because it has taken ahold of my brain and whisked it up like it is considering scrambled brains for lunch. I don’t even care. I forfeit, he can have them.

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How are you feeling?

How are you feeling?

It is perinatal depression and anxiety awareness week. #bePNDaware

If you’re new to my blog you won’t need to look far to see that I’ve been touched by this beast. If you’re a regular around here then you’re probably sick of hearing about it. #sorrynotsorry I’m a huge believer in spreading awareness about this topic and sharing my personal fight is the best way for me to do this.

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Spring, shirts, and sass

Spring, shirts, and sass

Today has been a good day.

Mostly.

 

It’s the first day of Spring, the month of my birth, and it’s Thursday – which is only good because it’s nearly Friday.

 

I’m working on my environment. I have known for a long time that my environment impacts on my moods. If I wake up, get dressed, make the bed, and open the blinds I have a better day than I would if I stayed in my PJ’s, left the bed looking like a UFO crashsite, and kept the house dark and dingy like a Howarts dungeon (I’m the troll).

I’m not currently on my meds. I don’t know if I need to be or not. I can’t decide. I think I can keep off them as long as I work hard to keep myself balanced in other ways. Now that Spring is here the kids can go outside more! Yay! Other parents will understand the absolute joy that brings both the cabin-fever-kids and the pent-up-parents. The aim of the weekend is to have the backyard ready for lazy afternoons and cold drinks.

Sleeve life is treating me well. I can definitely feel the difference and I think people are finally able to see it too. Either way, the fact that it shows in the way my clothes fit is what matters to me. For example, I bought this AWESOME #mumlife t-shirt from Zeke Unique’s ”Equali-Tee’s’ range atleast two sizes smaller than I would have pre-surgery. Yes, that’s partly a plug. Zeke Unique is run by one of my very favourite mums in the whole world and she deserves many, many plugs.

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My awesome Equali-Tee’s #mumlife T-Shirt from Zeke Unique. Just click on my ugly mug to be taken to Zeke Unique through the magic of the interwebs.

 

The kids are good! Daniel is 8 months and crawling everywhere. Yesterday he even tried to stand up against a chair. Ugh. I am equal parts ready and not. I don’t want him running around the house all grown up any time soon, but it definitely does give me a little more freedom to get things done around the house, which inturn helps my mental state. It really is a good thing mostly.

Toby is…let’s face it, Toby is a terror! I swear sometimes he seems much older, then other times – like when he’s throwing every egg we own onto the floor, along with lettuce, yoghurt and maple syrup at 4am (check out the picture!). Or when he thinks his baby brother would make a great seat. Or even right now, when he’s chucking a tantrum because I won’t let him have another lolly!

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It’s a…cake? It’s a mess. #parenting hey?

Marky is a threenager through and through. He is so sassy. The other day he told me to get out of his room. Dude…really? Needless to say that didn’t go down so well. He has also started playing a lot of fighting games. Superheroes and ninjas are the ‘in’ thing. This is new to me. I have one younger sister. We played Barbies and sung along to Spice Girls.

Overall the two older boys are teaming up and driving me crazy. I love them like Donald Trump likes his hairpiece but I am really struggling with knowing how to parent them at the moment. I know they are doing normal things for kids their age, but it sure is exhausting. I need a night off!

One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time.

 

Anyway, I’d best go and check on the little ratbags because they are being far too quiet and we all know there is nothing scarier than a quiet toddler.

 

Oh, wait. How about two of them?

Date nights or night lights?

Date nights or night lights?

If I didn’t have children what would I be doing right now?

Just before we had our first little guy we moved to the coast. We loved our life there but when our second was five months old we decided to move home. Postnatal depression is hard. It’s even harder when you’re hours away from your family. I often wonder if we didn’t have children would we still be there?

Would we be spending our mornings out on the lake in our tinny, catching (or not catching) flatheads for dinner, instead of spending our mornings washing pen off the walls and putting on the slow cooker?

Would we wake up at 9am and spend another hour in bed, chatting and enjoying each other’s company, instead of being woken at 6 to demands of milk (warm and in a green cup with a blue lid)?

Would we met up with friends for lunch and then take a stroll along the beach, holding hands and breathing in the fresh air, instead of throwing some nuggets in the oven and then trying to convince the terrible two that naps are awesome (why don’t they believe us)?

Would we be buying knick knacks to display around our beautifully organised and lovingly decorated house, instead of hiding all the breakable keepsakes and putting locks on the knife drawers in our chaotic mismatched home?

Would we be happy? Would our hearts be as full of love as they are now? Would we feel fulfilled? Or would we have that hole, that empty space indicating that something big is missing from our lives? Would we be enough?

So many ‘what if’s…

We’ll never know of course. What I do know is that I wouldn’t change it for the world. Whilst it would be interesting to see what our alternate reality would look like, this is the reality I chose and would choose again a thousand times over.

Instead of time in the tinny we have tickle fights. Instead of sleep-in’s we have morning smiles. Instead of strolls on the sand we have squeals of ‘push me’ at the park. And instead of knick knacks we have home made masterpieces proudly displayed on the fridge.

It may not be everyone’s preference but it is definitely mine. I love my chaotic life, full of fart jokes, Lego, and unconditional love.